MyGrowth

It's been a lil while and everything has been going so great. He has made time for me, he is being very helpful to me, I am getting mad QT, I'm not hearing no often as I was before. But today I told him that I loved him for the what I don't even know how many time and he doesn't say it back. And it's been that way for quite awhile. I said that I would stop saying it because it's like on purpose he doesn't say it. What's so wrong with telling me that you love me; if you do? I'm not sure I understand men completely. I guess if you show me then you feel like why should you tell me, does it make you less of a man, does it make you feel weak? I'm thoroughly confused.

it was your sperm that created me yet you are ashamed of me and would rather she is your daughter or at least thats how I feel. I wish sometimes I was like these girls who didn't have a father, hell it's like I didn't thats why I'm still searching for his love. I'm beginning to hate you with a passion. Why should I feel that way about my own dad? I accepted you as a friend on FB so i watch what I say most of the time. But I notice that when she says hello you jump to say hey niece #2, but I say hi and I never hear from you. you used to send me these crazy sext messages which I felt was inappropriate for a father to send to his child especially his daughter but I dealt with it and pretty much just ignored it. I'm the dark black and fat child that none of ya'll ever wanted. Why the fuck should I feel this way at 30? I can't even understand your dislike for me what have I ever done to you. All I wanted to do was be loved and I never felt it from you...

My baby started her first dance class, I spoke to my cousin that I haven't really spoken to in years and I finally made the committment to my friend or at least showed that I'm interested in really taking it to the next level. Still looking for work but I did however complete my paperwork to go to school. Now just to start. Dancing with the Stars has started. It's a good week now Saturday is next dance class...yayyy! oh and it was the first PTO, starts off with a good number of attendees and then it's usually just the first few that finish up.

What Would you do if every time you fell in love with someone you had to say good-bye? What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy, there would be 10 moments of sadness? What would you od if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life. I look up to you, respect you and truly cherish you. Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will. Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will. I'll Always Be there In times of trouble, IN times of Need If you are feeling Sad, you can count on me I will give you a wink, until you smile Gi...

Growing up I used to sit with my father and love to watch the game. Because it's what he loved and I love being around daddy...DADDY'S LIL GIRL. For years I refused to watch the game that I loved and shared with my father. I went against the team he rooted for because I wanted to distance myself from him and anything he liked. But slowly this year I've started to really take notice of the game again. Still not into the players and all that I just love the game...oh and Ray Lewis (ravens #52). I know why I've turned back into my love of the game and I'm just happy that I have a lil part of me returning because I lost a lot of who I was and gaining me back is what I've always wanted.

I have gained weight over these last 10 years when I was told to lose weight or lose sight. I've had numerous family and friends try to help me lose the weight only for me to turn my back on them. I walk in a place and the immediate eyes tell me that they don't approve of my size. My infatuation with food is crazy. I begin to eat because I'm hungry and then it starts to taste so good that I want to continue eating and then I get full and still want more because it taste good. Take today for instance I made some lasagna and after the first two servings I went back for one more...why? I have no answer for that. I said that I needed counseling maybe that will help me with my obsession with food and then I won't eat as much. I don't like my size but I have become comfy with it. Is it my way of having an excuse for why I am an outcast? I went to my gf's baby shower yesterday (9/11) and saw how everybody was greeted but I wasn't. I noticed that I was the b...

for helping me to find a place to have my voice heard. I will never forget you...

Is it because of my size that I am treated the way that I am? Seems like only evil ppl want to be around when you are heavy...yeah FAT! The men that I've encountered like to tell me how much they want to have sex with me and not subtlty, but blatant and disrespectful. I like to believe I forgive so much from the people who've harmed me in my past but then those second and third chances always come back to bite me in the ass. Getting on a plane alone for the first time in my life but thinking I had a friend to enjoy the experience with me I ended up alone in Vegas. Continue to befriend liars...Feel like I deserve what I get from these people...I am so weak minded that it takes me some time to figure out what this people are doing to me. It's only after these people aren't in my sight for me to have a clear thought process. Do I want to fit in with someone so bad that I'm willing to endure constant shame. Why do I amuse them? What is it about a kind heart that is...

I find myself just watching you grow so fast. I envy you. You have no idea the battle that your mommy is going thru yet you smile and tell me you love me every day. You like to hug me and hold me and play with me and talk to me and when you aren't with me you tell me you missed me. The unconditional love that I yearn for in a partner I have with my child. I stare at you never wanting you to go thru what I've gone thru in my life and trying to figure out how to change my life so that you won't have to endure the shyt I've had to. I love you for being my lil mini me, when i look at you I see me and know that your childhood is totally different from mine, but I've turned you into a couch potato. I've given you a love for the movies which you only want to share with me, you were mad when your dad made you go with your sister. I was shocked but I appreciate that. I love us just sitting together and watching a show up under one another those are the times I wi...

The Wrong Damn person...Its been 4 years since we met well almost 4 and i love the person he is when he thinks of me and wants to talk to me all day and we just enjoy each others company. I love spending time just snuggled in your arms. I love how when we are alone you want to gaze in my eyes. I love that I can be me around you and know that you won't judge me for being as silly as I am. I know that you love me for me and would do anything to keep me happy yet...you drink every day. not just to soothe yourself if that's what's needed but you drink to be drunk every day all damn day. i still don't know your child hood and what makes you the person that you are. I don't know any of your family. I have met your mom and dad but if they walked passed me on the street I wouldn't have the foggiest idea who they were. I left you alone for a year but you stuck around and for that I wanted to give you another chance yet when you think that you have me in your pocke...

Over time I've noticed women with sons put them in football ASAP, but i have yet to hear anyone say their son is in anything that has to do with academia. Nor for women. Everybody is doing dance, cheerleading or football. Nobody is talking about anything that has to do keeping their kids educated throughtout the year. What is really going on...I can't talk because I haven't put my daughter in any activity. Are there any education programs throughout the year for kids?

I log on hoping that of the 100+ ppl I chose to share my secrets with will have a conversation with me. Usually I'm talking to myself and nobody is speaking to me. Why do I even log onto FB? Mostly all are family and hell they didn't talk to me back then why would they talk to me now? Even the few associates that I do have don't even talk. Hell I haven't called my NJ girl in awhile and I was supposed to visit before the summer is over and hell the summer will be over very soon. All this wanting to be accepted by a group or just somebody is killing me inside. Seems like the ppl who want to be close are the ppl I don't want close at all. I'm all confused. What is the main interest for me logging onto FB? It's an addiction that I can rid myself of. I need to keep myself logged off the net for a good period of time because it's not helping my growth but yet hindering it.

every time I want to give him the go ahead to be my one and only he makes me realize why i don't want to. You are an asshole behind the wheel. you have such anger it's crazy. you mad at everything and then you press down on the pedal to prove what point. because if they brake then what. i was sitting in that car like this dude wants to get us killed. you wanting to argue and fight because they wont let you over, get over yourself moist boy. oh i was heated in that car. is it because it's Friday the 13th IDK. Is he trying to prove that he's gangsta? Cause that shyt was just stupid to me...

I never felt loved and was in my eyes the black sheep. M used to scrub me hoping that my skin would become lighter, I got the most beatings for trying to figure out who I was and find my space in this family. My father wasn't there he chose to leave me with his mom so he could live his single life, found a mixed chick I never liked but he married her so I had to adjust to her. Forced to live in VA with him and his new wife and her son, I still never had him to myself. I always had to share him. My mother I had to share with my new brothers and her drug habit, still all alone. I didn't know how to make friends but I tried to learn quick or I would've been a loner. My cousins father was disliked by the family so any adventures she went on with him I had to venture out on not because I wanted to but by force. So because of this I had to share my dad with her and his wife and her son. The saddest years of my life M brought me many snacks which lead to me feedin my depres...

Are we as women only looked at as being sex objects? Every new person I'm meeting is only after one thing and aren't afraid to request this and send me sext messages like I've asked to see it. What happened to wanting to know somebody first? I mean what if I turn pyscho after you give me a sample, hell what if you turn into a stalker. I just don't understand with so many STD's going on and AIDS at an all time high why is getting sex the first thing you think of when you see me. I'm flattered that you find me attractive and that you want to pounce me but damn get to see where my head is at first. find out if i'm even worth trouble, let me see if you are worth the trouble. that's whats wrong with us. we go into things prematurely and then regret the mistakes after but then sometimes it's too late because we've made a temporary fix and permanent situation. Take time before you jump my bones please. I am somebody and want to feel important ...

Loving to eat and eating is killing me. I was told to lose weight back in 2001 or I could go blind. I've gained. I went from a size 18 to a 24 in 9 years. I never want to be skinny I love my curves and my thickness as do the men of my life...LLS! But I want to be healthy. I want to find a medium where I can still eat but not so much. My problem is portion control and also not eating right. I rarely eat fruit or veggies but I'll tear chicken up on a daily. Once I can fight this demon I'll be okay and get up off my azz and at least walk more.

Realizing that I do love but with limitations. My wall is so high that I barely let anyone in. Even when I know someone loves me it's hard for me to love them to full capacity. I expect so much and give so little. I want to be loved 100% but I don't know how to love 100%. I ask for guidance daily on this because it's my biggest struggle. I know that he loves me and he shows it all the time but i'm so selfish I forget that he has his own struggles and doesn't want me to be involved 100% until he has a handle on them. But i get upset because I want to struggle with him, yet I have my own struggles that I must conquer in order to be the woman he needs me to be and the mom my daughter needs also. This summer off is for enlightenment and growth. Hoping the time off will give me what I need in my life.