I'm not who you want

it was your sperm that created me yet you are ashamed of me and would rather she is your daughter or at least thats how I feel. I wish sometimes I was like these girls who didn't have a father, hell it's like I didn't thats why I'm still searching for his love. I'm beginning to hate you with a passion. Why should I feel that way about my own dad? I accepted you as a friend on FB so i watch what I say most of the time. But I notice that when she says hello you jump to say hey niece #2, but I say hi and I never hear from you. you used to send me these crazy sext messages which I felt was inappropriate for a father to send to his child especially his daughter but I dealt with it and pretty much just ignored it. I'm the dark black and fat child that none of ya'll ever wanted. Why the fuck should I feel this way at 30? I can't even understand your dislike for me what have I ever done to you. All I wanted to do was be loved and I never felt it from your side of the family. I try and try to get comfortable in my place but its a weird place. I'm so sick of being #2, maybe it's because that's where I place me. Do I see me as being #2 to myself and everyone else is #1? I don't even know anymore. You say that you love me and my baby your only granddaughter but your actions have another word for that...what that is IDK. Am I being too emotional right now or is my vision clear. You are my father why am I always chasing you. I never felt loved by you ever so when is it my turn to be loved, when does my father love me and not his light skinned family. I'm tired of crying over this, tired of feeling unwanted and unloved, unappreciated and forgotten. Tired of having to throw guilt just to get some attention from you. Tired of trying to fit in. I'm sick of you and that attitude you have towards your own kids. it's only two of us and neither of us really deal with you ever think maybe it's not just us but you. its never too late to change but you don't even give a fuck. Whose gonna take care of you when you gone? I remember when you got sick she called and told me I jumped in the car and headed to VA, I wanted to stay by your side, but your brother told me no flat out. And then when I went to visit you in the room you had some broads number as your emergency contact, not your daughter, not a relative some chick. You blame me for you not having a love life say that every chick you meet and introduce me to I run them away. So untrue you have the worst time to introduce these chicks to me, it's usually on my day, why the fuck do I want to meet some new chick at my graduation. it's about me not you and whose sucking your dick it's about your daughter. i don't even remember if you came to the hospital to see me, my mom and her side of the family and my gf from NJ came to see me not you. What do I have to do to get your attention...DIE? is that when you'll realize what type of person I am? Is that when you'll really want my love when I can't give it to you. I think I'm deleting my FB page I can't take the hurt that is being caused by the one man who created and is supposed to love me. I'm sorry I'm fat, I'm sorry I'm dark, I'm sorry I'm your daughter, but only 1 of the 3 can I change. and if you will only accept me after that one thing changes I don't want your love anyway. I hate myself for desperately seeking your love and attention. its like I never belonged in the first place so why the fuck do I want to be a part of you now. I'm tired of trying, I truly give in.