MyGrowth

if you've read any of what i've written, it's straight off the dome, it's not edited or written to be pc or grammatically correct. i'm speaking my mind and leaving it to fester. i realize that i'm still not over you, for whatever reason, you've been placed in my heart something serious. i mean it hasn't even been 3-6 months and you've moved on past me like i was a second thought, while i'm still here, trying to move on but holding onto some love that has passed. I want to meet someone i want to be with someone, i want to share with someone. i don't like being alone, i don't mind it, but i'd rather have someone to share memories with at some point. i'm a relationship kind of girl, i like being in love, i like having someone to take care of. i've met a few people, one i thought i would get along with but she turned out to be a dud, now theres another and i truly like this one, but i've become a bit attached and it ain...

I sit and reminisce about how good last night's session was and how good you made me feel. your response i'm more into the thoughts i had before sex not the session itself. WTF?!? i remember every action that took place and how exactly i felt at those moments and to hear that you dont think about it makes it seem like you not really into our sex. Am i wrong for feeling that way?

She decided to end things with me because I wasn't motivated. I talk a good game but I don't put action behind it. I have complained on my ownself about this bad trait and habit that is definitely associated with my depression. I want to do so many things but I do not have the energy or drive to get there at a pace that gets me where i need to unless I'm pushed and have no other choice. I have reverted back to bad habits soaking in my misery trying to understand how I'm suck a bad person to love. Why I can't keep any relationship? How I left what i was okay settling for to go into the new life, how I became so immensely happy and let it all go? Rough Rough past couple of weeks. I lose everything but she moves on and maintains her life.

Since the breakup i've found a way every day to tell her she's made a mistake, that it wasn't the right time for us not to be together. I wake up daily with her on my mind. my mind wanders and her face is the first thing i see. i find myself trying to pleasure myself and it feels wrong because i'm thinking of her. but i know that we are not gonna get intimate. i find myself still crying over the idea that we are no longer a couple, friends, but not a couple. i shared a lot of my firsts with her, i've grown in the last year with her. the pain of talking to an ex daily like you did when you were a couple knowing that she doesn't love you the way you still love her. Every day it hurts. every day i ask God to make me stronger. I try to hold onto faith that what is meant to be will be, she was guided to me this time why not wait for the future. then i get scared, what if she finds someone else, all while i'm waiting for her to come back to me. cause in r...

you walked in that summer we kept it cordial but wasn't quite friends. But that second summer you returned there was a chemistry and energy that I will never forget. I remember that day well, it was the day I said from here on out she will never not be in my life. And i held that promise true. we didn't hang out much except at work during lunch hours but once summer was over and she went back to school we talked often but not much. I went on about my life with old boy and whoever else i was dating, purely knowing that I had a friend for life in her. As i said we spoke but not too often, I remember having a happiness in the pit of my stomach every time we spoke. i remember hearing her voice just gave me a bit of life i wasn't used to. but i never paid attention to it, just knew we were friends. then we started to talk a lil bit more and my heart strings pulled a lil harder. The more we talked the happier I became with life. I moved different, i thought different, ...

we work together, so i see you every day. you don't fully approve of our relationship and after months of throwing me shade you finally came around and was friendly again. but every once in a while you do that shady shyt again. idk how i'm supposed to respond because if i treat you like a chick on the street then that brings friction in my household, so respecting you is the only option i have. but i expect the same respect. WTF am i supposed to do? how do you function when you work with the parent of your lover?

i keep ignoring my gut feelings. its telling me we not gonna work but i keep saying let time tell, i could be running scared. Afraid that it could be the real thing, skeptical because nothing else has worked in the past. I convinced myself that i was the problem, noone else. i sat with puffy eyes saying nope it's me. what can i do to be a better lover, am i pushy, am i clingy, am i all those negative things you all want me to believe? i convince myself i need to change to become better because of course this thing i've been diagnosed with depression has got my mind on spin. however each and every time, i'm reminded that nope it's not me and what i was feeling all along is actually true. i sit up and cry hours thinking of how things could get back right of being honest so that i'm not living a lie. i open my family up...like ya'll say i fall to hard to fast and too easy. i give that trust and commitment to folks who don't deserve it from me. I CONT...

Did I move way too fast? Have I forgotten everything I even chose this life for? What THE FUCK!?!? Am I being way too emotional right now, am I taking things way more personal than has to be?

As long as I was unhappy complaining you were fine being the one supreme. But now that I've found my happiness and want to do better in my life and have that support that I've always wanted you can't stand to hear my stories. My conversation ain't changed, I talk the same way I've always talked but now the story has changed for good and its too much for you. Lets not forget that when you were in these same shoes I was the one who sat and listened to you. Your eyes lit wide with delight and just pure happiness and I was happy for you. I said nothing or did nothing to have you feel like you just made me feel. Sad thing is I was genuinely happy for you and all that has happened to and for you. Not sure if you keep me around to throw your successes up in my face while I sit on the sideline being pitiful and full of sorrow. What am I on this train ride with you for, because I've brought you along to enjoy this ride with me regardless of the level of success e...