Why do I continue?

i keep ignoring my gut feelings. its telling me we not gonna work but i keep saying let time tell, i could be running scared. Afraid that it could be the real thing, skeptical because nothing else has worked in the past. I convinced myself that i was the problem, noone else. i sat with puffy eyes saying nope it's me. what can i do to be a better lover, am i pushy, am i clingy, am i all those negative things you all want me to believe? i convince myself i need to change to become better because of course this thing i've been diagnosed with depression has got my mind on spin. however each and every time, i'm reminded that nope it's not me and what i was feeling all along is actually true. i sit up and cry hours thinking of how things could get back right of being honest so that i'm not living a lie. i open my family up...like ya'll say i fall to hard to fast and too easy. i give that trust and commitment to folks who don't deserve it from me. I CONTINUE TO DO IT, no apologies no regrets because i like being in love, i like loving someone and they loving me back. but i swear i can't do this shyt NO MORE! i'm way too old for this shyt. i keep taking chances not letting anything get in my way of finding true happiness. i can't do it no more...i can't