2008 - 2015

you walked in that summer we kept it cordial but wasn't quite friends. But that second summer you returned there was a chemistry and energy that I will never forget. I remember that day well, it was the day I said from here on out she will never not be in my life. And i held that promise true. we didn't hang out much except at work during lunch hours but once summer was over and she went back to school we talked often but not much. I went on about my life with old boy and whoever else i was dating, purely knowing that I had a friend for life in her. As i said we spoke but not too often, I remember having a happiness in the pit of my stomach every time we spoke. i remember hearing her voice just gave me a bit of life i wasn't used to. but i never paid attention to it, just knew we were friends. then we started to talk a lil bit more and my heart strings pulled a lil harder. The more we talked the happier I became with life. I moved different, i thought different, I spoke different. Seemed like the sun shined brighter. Like even if i was having a bad day I knew at some point speaking with her it would become bright again. Paying attention to those feelings I started to reevaluate what our friendship really was and if I wanted more. So i had to dig into my heart. I realized I was yearning to hear her voice. I couldn't wait to see her face. We were hanging a bit more, having fun. More laughs and arguing, more like debating, but normal conversation. so for the last jersey party of that year 2014 the weekend before halloween I confessed how I felt. I wanted more than a relationship. I wanted to see where things would go and if we could try it. she said she had to think about it, but ultimately it was decided that we'd try to be more than just friends. Our first official date was Oct 31, 2014. I remember smiling from ear to ear that whole night and all the days following that. We had our battles because we were two different ppl and going from pure friendship to relationship was a bit of a change. we learned more about each other that we didn't know. I was falling fast in love and realizing just how i felt all those years prior. That I was glad that it took time to get to this place and how I had finally found my mate for life. But somehow her controlling and parenting nature became a bit too much for both of us. My depression kicked in, i felt like I was dealing with a controller and not my partner. So I became stagnant and wasn't as progressive as I was in the beginning of the relationship. I knew it was a matter of time before both of us had had enough. Well that date came and she broke up with me saying I wasn't motivated enough and with all that she has coming up she didn't want to disappoint me by being so selfish and leaving me and my daughter last on the agenda. My world was crushed...and I have not been the same since. I have been in a weird funk since that conversation. I've tried numerous times to get her to take me back and understand that I am motivated. I am sorry for not communicating what i needed from her. But now i sit in misery wondering if and when I'll ever get that heart beat back. we still talk every day. she said she'll never leave me and I know I never want her out of my life. I need my heart beat back, i don't know how to go on without her in the same space. I can't imagine seeing her living happy with someone else when we both made each other happy being together. Nobody knows what the future holds and yes I did let go before without knowing what would happen in the future. However, this pain I feel is a lot stronger than anything I've ever felt. I really feel like I lost my best friend and how do i get her back. She never left we still talk the same as we did when we were a couple. But I can't Elaine and Jerry Seinfeld us. She forever changed the course of my life and I can't lose that. Lord please help me to be stronger.