Growing Up

I never felt loved and was in my eyes the black sheep. M used to scrub me hoping that my skin would become lighter, I got the most beatings for trying to figure out who I was and find my space in this family. My father wasn't there he chose to leave me with his mom so he could live his single life, found a mixed chick I never liked but he married her so I had to adjust to her. Forced to live in VA with him and his new wife and her son, I still never had him to myself. I always had to share him. My mother I had to share with my new brothers and her drug habit, still all alone. I didn't know how to make friends but I tried to learn quick or I would've been a loner. My cousins father was disliked by the family so any adventures she went on with him I had to venture out on not because I wanted to but by force. So because of this I had to share my dad with her and his wife and her son. The saddest years of my life M brought me many snacks which lead to me feedin my depression and I made sure to eat every one of them. The start of my obsession with food. I met a white girl who lived down the street whose family I loved to be around, but yet she wasn't too amused with me always wanting to be around her. but it was my escape to some sort of happiness and normality. His wife left in '96 the day of his only sister's funeral a very sad day and filled with anger and confusion. She took my baby brother and said nothing to me just left. I did however get a 16 birthday party that only one person from school showed up to I had to knock on doors to get kids from the neighborhood to come through. I was detached and had no clue how to become attached. My moms side we all seemed to get along I've never fought with any of my cousins we all were cool and I felt more at home with them than anywhere, which is why I still have the same relationship with them all. Of course as you get older you hear stories about family but I always kept myself neutral because who was I to take sides then I'd really be alone. but when I do get with the family I still notice that I am still left sitting alone. Nobody calls to say hey Tasha you want to hang out, want to do whatever. I can also say that I don't call them either but that has never been what I've done. I always had a boyfriend to fill that void, but now as an adult and after many years of still feeling lonely I am still alone. What do you do? of the female friends I keep close they are full of shyt, and the men are no better. Whats so wrong with me that nobody wants me?