Loving

The Wrong Damn person...Its been 4 years since we met well almost 4 and i love the person he is when he thinks of me and wants to talk to me all day and we just enjoy each others company. I love spending time just snuggled in your arms. I love how when we are alone you want to gaze in my eyes. I love that I can be me around you and know that you won't judge me for being as silly as I am. I know that you love me for me and would do anything to keep me happy yet...you drink every day. not just to soothe yourself if that's what's needed but you drink to be drunk every day all damn day. i still don't know your child hood and what makes you the person that you are. I don't know any of your family. I have met your mom and dad but if they walked passed me on the street I wouldn't have the foggiest idea who they were. I left you alone for a year but you stuck around and for that I wanted to give you another chance yet when you think that you have me in your pocket and that you can do whatever you want you run off and i'm sure your with someone else. No evidence but I ain't stupid. Why do I love you? I'm still having a hard time figuring that out. Hell the question is do I love me? I don't have an answer. I like to feed myself to get over the pain of being lonely, the pain of not being wanted, the pain of the only thing you want from me is sex not affection, the pain of my childhood, the pain that I'm a single mom, the pain that I never had a childhood, the pain of wanting to be excepted by anyone especially ME. I was asked what do I offer in a relation/friendship...what's my role? why do i get so upset and believe that all ppl are full of shyt? why don't i step up sometimes why do i expect everyone to reach out to me. my only response is I used to reach out all the time and nobody ever reached out to me. Now i'm content with having only my own drama and no one elses. I hate listening to other people complain but I expect ppl to listen to me complain. This shyt is draining me because I don't know where i fit in and if i really want to. the two ppl in this world that I despise and never wanted to be like i've turned into them. an evil person who doesn't like to be around anyone and doesn't trust anyone but yearns for the affection and acception of anyone. a person who settles instead of requiring the utmost from her partners. A woman who feels like she's accepted reality and tries to live in it. Yet lives in a fantasy hoping every male she meets will turn into that one and hoping to have those friendships that she sees her other girlfriends have with other females. I have a lot of growing to do or accepting to do. Either way I gotta get this shyt together now or run the risk of continuing to be the ppl I despise most in this world...my mom and my dad!