HOW DO I FIND HAPPINESS

Where does it lie, how do I get to it? How can I smile and really truly mean it. Today is not the day. but I'm really trying to stay in the happy place. i'm trying to listen to sermons, trying to listen to music, trying to talk with people on FB. nothing is soothing my happy place. i want to cry but i'm at work, tears are strolling but i can't cry how i want. i'd rather be at home right now. how did this day even begin in such a shyt storm. here's what i remember... Saturday was normal, we talked on the phone a few times in the morning. I knew she was going to hang out with some friends is what she said. Okay I'm chilling in the house not doing much today. Went to my moms, saw my nieces and nephew, my mom and brothers. Had a decent time, no complaints. Took my mom to grocery store and to get something to eat, took her home and went in the house. No calls from her, but while home I texted her a few times. I knew she was out so I wasn't tripping but that let me know she was with a female. Then i remembered her saying she'd call me tomorrow once she got back. so i pondered in my head like why she ain't just tell me thats where she was going but fine whatever. She feels like she can't tell me when she going to hang with her friends because i didn't want to hear about her friend every day all day...great fine. My daughter was at her friends, I was home enjoying my bday champagne feeling very buzzed and having a great time alone, even made an ig story with wine in my hand. Sunday comes, I go back to grocery store to get the chicken i'll cook for dinner, i already had started my greens by 8a. Met up with coworker to get papers I printed so my daughter could do school work. came home, cooked and finally by noon she'd call me to say she was on her way home. Okay cool, let me know so I can bring your food that you requested. By 2p I was taking my daughter back to her friends house and I was heading to her house. We sat and watched madam CJ Walker docuseries on Netflix, had a great time watching and talking thru it. She enjoyed the food, complimented me on how good it was and then I went home it was 8p and I was ready for home. Lets not forget at this point in time we are kinda on lock down and I didn't want to just be in the streets. Pick my daughter up we go in thehouse we both eat another plate and then i go to bed, work in the morning. Wake up kinda early, had a decent night of sleep, ready to do some exercises because my back is hurting a bit. turn on the tv, turn my alarm off, get down and do some planks, some legs lifts and then the phone rings. its 7a, its her. shes talking about mcd's closing, trying to clown me because we eat there often. i'm like it's okay other places will be open. then i say but hey this might be a good time to think about you making some money. she clearly mishears what i'm saying and says that folks will learn how to cook, i say no thats not what i meant she restates her point again and i say no, i'm not saying that. i'm saying now would be a great time to push your food out there, c'mon **** soulfood. but you not here for it i got you. so she goes on to say about her day and going to doctors and how she might be off for the remainder of the week and then how she may go away for the week. oh ok i'm thinking, "where you gonna go," i asked. she replies "same place I just went to," "well where was that cause you never told me," I say. here we insert a bunch of you not my mother and i don't have to answer to you and why you starting stuff blah blah blah. i'm taken back like how did we even get here. i just asked where you going if you do go. now i'm crazy and i'm selfish and i'm immature and i'm the one who started the argument and whole bunch of other shyt. i had just washed her clothes that i had taken from her house the night before. i said you know what let me bring you your clothes and i was going to return the keys because at this point I've had enough. Every time I ask a general question that one would ask i get called all kinds of names, there's an argument that goes on. Anytime I want to discuss anything it's taken as negative and an argument starts. There's other things that go into this, but it was just another reminder of how I'm the only one in this relationship. I'm the only one who respects the boundaries of a relationship and who tries to honor my other half. It was the nail in the coffin for me. now she wants to talk and come to my house and cook. i don't want her in my house, i don't want to be quarantined with her. I want it to be over, like finally and seriously over. I want to be happy ALONE and REALLY SINGLE. I don't want to have to answer to anyone and I dont want anyone to answer to me. I really don't want a relationship period for a long while. I want to HEAL ME so that I will not keep ACCEPTING this BULLSHIT. I am WORTH more than what I ACCEPT. i'm so angry, i'm so upset, i'm filled with grief, i'm filled with hurt, filled with nothing positive. like i'm seriously over this bullshit. why you want to have a talk with someone you clearly don't want to be in a relationship with. keep me why? so nobody else can have me, so i can continue to be miserable? during the walker docuseries the husband was feeling abandoned and left out, his worth was diminished by her pursuit of business. She was blinded by only seeing her business and not including her partners happiness. He was telling her and yes he was a bit doubtful of the business but he was by her side the entire time. he felt alone and needed her presence not just physically but to be present. but all she could think of was business so he cheated. i was trying to speak on the behalf of the man because i knew what that felt like, to be with someone who's solely business minded, but you have a mate who's there to be a partner with you but you act like they are not human and have needs and desires. she only would respond its fleshly desires and you only give in once you're married. and i kept saying but thats her husband and if God didn't want us to have desires or needs why did he create Eve. like there was a need to have a partner and she was to please not only the needs but desires as well. you cant expect people to just denounce their flesh because you have. it's not fair to ask a person to join you on the journey and act like they don't exist. so this was also confirmation for me that our relationship will never be what i need. I just want to be happy.