2019 Lent - Start

It's been quite some time since the last time I wrote anything and whats funny is I stated I couldn't wait to be Mrs. Jackson. Oh how times have changed. I still am striving to be Mrs. Jackson just not quite sure how that journey looks or what they role entails. The journey is a big bumpy and swervy. I'll try to update a bit more often, i know I say this often but I'm generally on here every day, may not get one for the weekend but I need to write somewhere and I need to do better at this thing. I have to refresh my brain and start to do things more for myself to be happy. Writing makes me happy, deciding what to write about now that different. Cause what I don't want is to continue to see the same type of writing. So i'll start with something a bit different today. I've been working on changing my negative mind and working to think more positive and get out of this depressive resentment funk. so i'm working on what i feed my thoughts and my visual so that what comes out my mouth is better than a complaint. daily routine Tina calls she talks about God, shares a story of some kind and then once she's done she gets off the phone, i never get to say anything just hear the joy in her voice and i listen. She made comments about spending more time with her family and how this weekend she'll be with family and friends (i'm not included). I immediately started to feel a way about it, but I stuck those feelings away like nope we need time apart. But as my therapists said you have to sit in those feelings and work through them. The thing is during this lent season that i'm actually trying to participate in again i'm not supposed to get angry, curse or complain nor am i suppose to say anything negative about anyone. both things I've done in the same breath with this one person. so why does this happen? What's causing this reaction? Why is there a separation of family and me but the only time I get to be around them it's with your other friends? How will they get to know who I am if I'm never allowed to be around them? How is that you asked me to be your wife and have ran away from strengthening our bond since you've asked me and my mom for my hand in marriage? I have lots of resentment in my heart and I'm trying to forgive myself as well as you but how do I do that? I'm working and praying to God to get through these negative feelings and thoughts cause its heavy and hard for me. Let me get back to work, i'll try to write again in a little bit.