The Change

What is happening in my life that I am okay with being just your friend even though I'm in love with you? Why am I changing how I interact with people and changing the way I even describe what a friend is to me? How has this person changed my entire life and with each change I fall in love even more. What exactly is this change gonna be, where exactly will it take me in life? Is this for the best or the worst? I don't recall every being this scared of losing a friend in my life, to bring someone else in would mean changing the entire dynamics of our friendship and that scares the shit outta me. I've never had someone love me completely for exactly who I am. Someone who loves like me. How do you walk away from this person? You don't you learn to love them even more. At least thats what i've planned to do, even if she doesn't want me the way I want her, I'm never allowing her to not feel love because I never have to question love from her. But then there's the question are the actions the same. She sees me as a friend while I still see her as my potential mate, or at least I see her as my wife. I could never see her without. My next friendship has to match this or its not gonna be. i have to be spoiled first before i spend a fucking dime. not one other bitch will get a quarter from me. lesson learned, i will never be used again. I knew we weren't compatible but I still tried, thinking maybe with time we'll get to know each other and have a better understanding. We seem to want the same things in life, it'll just take some time to get to that point. Yeah no $1000 later she walks out on me, calls me controlling and nasty when she knows nothing about me. I'll never understand the mind of the person who can take advantage of a soul who only wants to help you. The person who only wants to see you win. I don't care no more about anyone elses journey but my own. I wish i would give another minute or dollar to the dream of another. I won't follow my heart anymore because the need for love is so big that I'll ignore those red flags, but never no more. i've lived and learned quite a bit in these last two years that have sparked a growth and change in me that while dealing with men I never experienced. not sure how good or bad this is but i'm glad that i'm going thru it. however this fucking shyt is hard, this change now from 37 to 40 is gonna be the hardest i can tell, cause fuck it's hard right now. I'll try to keep posting hoping this will transition and help someone else. Until later people enjoy your lives and lets all learn to live and love together.