weekend flash back

Friday night I left work in a bad mood, not even sure why. But I felt the need to go to the movies and so I did. Me and baby girl went to see "Get on Up," the James Brown movie. It was pretty good. Saturday I stuck to my plans of staying in and cleaning. More so we rearranged our rooms. but I felt extremely overcome with emotion so during the cleaning process I just couldn't keep it together. At some point I gave up and sat and watched a few Lifetime movies. I did get rid of stuff and then Sunday I had had enough of being in the house, so I texted the boo, asked if he wanted to go to Wal-Mart with us take advantage of that tax free weekend out VA. Had breakfast and then went shopping. Wanted to go to the park so babygirl could stretch her legs out and mine since I had been in the house all Saturday. But he wanted to go home, that truly set me off. Wanted to go to the park still but realized mama needed to do her hair, so that's what i did before I went to dinner with family. I had a wonderful time with family, I was so happy, just lots of laughs and smiles. The kids really enjoyed themselves. Then I got home and didn't want to sleep, so I decided to finish cleaning. I had weird dreams and bad sleep patterns. So scared to sleep, thinking I'm going to die in my sleep, so i wait til the last possible moment to sleep. Wake up extremely exhausted, trying to get myself together for the day. How long can this last, I'm not sure? Rough morning...after only 4 hours of sleep if that because I was so uncomfortable, I didn't sleep until I turned on AC at 445a and woke up at 630a. Get in the truck and start to clean out the back seats. I see piles of shyt in the middle, water bottles, spilled chips, candy wrapper paper. I snap, my father would've never allowed his car to look this way, i don't sit in the back. My daughter gets my wrath, you don't give a fuck about your granddad or you wouldn't do his car this way. she apologizes, i respond "fuck your apology, you don't mean it or you wouldn't do his car this way, how can you show him you love him by doing this?" furious, i have an instant panic attack and fall into tears and heavy uneven breathing. i can't stop them...i'm missing my dad and the tears flow. I'm still in tears. My boo gets in and when i tell him what happens in usual form he goes into the I told you so shyt. Folks almost hit my dad's truck i spaz...i can't control my rage, not even the cigarette balances me out. WTF is going on?!?! God I pray to you for forgiveness for this morning, I know you understand my flesh is in pain and I truly need you with me. I pray that you help to heal me so that my daughter has a better chance at life. I pray for your to guide me, I pray for peace in my heart. HELP ME JEHOVAH! In your son Jesus name I pray...AMEN!