This Holiday Season is Different

It's a day before Christmas a holiday I used to celebrate and participate in. This year especially I truly chose not to participate in festivities. I took a long look at what made this day special at all and from my traditions none of it made sense. We take our paychecks and run almost into more debt buying expensive gifts for our children and friends just to show them that we love them. We begin a lie about a jolly fat man who flies around the world in 1 day to give gifts to boys and girls who were good the rest of the year. But also there's the theory that this was Jesus birthday and we should celebrate his birth because of who He is. Is this the same reason behind the reasons we celebrate this year or any other. More and more robberies take place to help those less fortunate buy something for their children. What I ask is the true meaning behind the Christmas holiday and traditions? Well this year that question becomes slightly different. Two days before Christmas this year I learned that my dad died in his sleep. It had been more than a week that I had spoke to my dad. He was keeping up by creating post on his FB account, but then his posts stop. One of his last post was a picture of My Wife and Kids character Bobby Shaw...who was one of my favorite characters of the show. He made a special shoutout to me in regards to the show. This would be the last conversation I ever had with my dad. It took me a few days after before I would call him and his phone would go straight to voicemail, because we rarely spoke every day it wasn't uncommon for us to go a few days or weeks, hell or months without speaking. Nothing was unusual to me. Then came MOnday, Dec 23 at midnight I got a call asking had I spoke to my dad. Still thinking oh he's fine, I made a phone call to the hospital. After a few attempts I finally got an answer, he was not a patient. I checked for the sheriffs number and said i'll call in the morning. I woke up, went to work and called the Sheriff's. Maybe 20-30 mins later my phone started blowing up, call me ASAP. I returned the call...news not good...he's gone! Wait WTF, you lying you can't be serious...no he's gone. I slam the phone in disbelief, this can't be true, we'd just had a conversation (small one but still). I ran to tell a friend and then out the door. I couldn't breathe, I could barely talk. My fathers gone and now it's two days before Christmas a holiday I stopped celebrating but one we used to celebrate together. The last memory I have of visiting was walking away without hugging you. Hoping in my grandmothers car and ready to ride back up to DC after a long ride from NC. Then we used to visit you at work. She would run up those stairs and right into your arms. The smile you had on your face I wish I could capture. The joy you expressed was priceless, but then those visits stopped and we never saw each other again and now I will never see your face in living color again. I type in a numb state of mind and emotionless. I don't know how to feel or should feel, I cried and felt shock the day off but since that first pull of my long island ice tea drink I've cried no more. All I want to do is laugh and not think of how hurt I should be because of my circumstance. I don't want to feel bad, or sad. I want to move on as if nothing has happened, realize that he's gone but that we will see each other again. we both believed in a God that will rescue us from our agony and receive the same gift of a second chance at a better life with our God. I'm not upset that he's not here, I'm happy that he doesn't have to suffer any longer and that he's resting in peace awaiting that moment when Jesus comes down to save us and give us everlasting happiness and life. These are the times i'm waiting for. Memories of this life I'd like to delete from memory but because i'm still a resident of "this" earth i'm stuck with memories. Not the best writer but i'm expressing how I feel. i'd love a second chance at loving my dad, but I know that here on this earth that love i'd never find and continuing to be unhappy is all i'd be obliged. I'll miss seeing your face, hearing your laugh and spending countless hours watching TV, but I pray for a better relationship with you in the next life.